Motherhood-the BIG question....

The big question I keep getting as a new mother is "How does it feel to be a mom?" or a different verision..."does it feel different being a mom?"

It's been a while since I posted but we've been kinda busy! I am learning new things each day, and there are little things that are bringing me joy each day as well...despite the complete lack of sleep!

To answer the question is tough. I am not really sure of how to answer...yes it feels different--even thinking back to college days, I have NEVER been this tired before in my life. But at the same time its such a blessing to be this tired- the reason is such a blessing. It doesn't seem to have settled in yet that I AM a mom... I guess that will come when Ben starts talking and is calling me mom...

We have been doing ok... He's made it to getting up at about 2:30 and then 5:30--which I can handle. Some nights are perfect- he wakes, eats his bottle and goes back to sleep. Others not so much- he wakes, eats and then doesnt want to go back to sleep...
Currently we are doing formula with a little bit of breastmilk each day. I had hoped to breastfeed as long as possible, but I apparently get lactation headaches...so everytime I nurse I get a severe migraine. There were many days where I was getting to the point that I was not looking forward to feeding (which made me feel like a horrible mom) and other times where I would just cry the whole time. I struggled with what to do.... I hate that I am unable to do something that should be so natural, and that is so beneficial for Ben...but at the same time (after having tons of people reassure me..and I still feel guilty for stopping nursing) I know that a mommy with a nonstop migraine is NOT good for him either. SO we are on mostly formula. I pump but don't get that much (and still get a migraine) but he's getting a bit each day. I hope to make it to six weeks with him getting at least 2 bottles a day of breastmilk, but I am not sure if we will...we are at 5 weeks but I get less and less each time.. I still get the guilty feelings- esp when someone asks if we are breastfeeding and I have to say no. (and often times the response of "OH your not?" makes me feel even worse) but I simply explain the situation and I feel a tad bit better....

Ben is over a month old now and he's getting bigger each day.
I shower Ben each day with tons of kisses because I know that one day he will be too grown up or too "cool" to have his mommy kiss him.... there are so many times that the laundry is overflowing, or the house looks like a tornado goes through but I know that it can wait. and I spend time sitting there just holding him. He recently noticed his hands and will sit and just twist them around staring at them...its so cute! He also sits and stares at his mobile now... or in the car stares out the window. Our other favorite thing that he does is he talks ALL the time. even when he's got his pacifier he's making all kinds of cute little cooing noises. He has also figured out his neck muscles...he's been trying to hold his head up since we were in the hospital, but he's got good control of it now. We are totally in love.
He's in his crib now, instead of the bassinet, and I've managed to start figuring out the different cries and noises he makes.. so I no longer leap out of bed only to get to the nursery only to find out that he was just talking in his sleep. I'm also learning to let him cry sometimes...his Grandad says that he needs it- to exercise his lungs. sometimes he still gets me...and screams and screams and when I get there he's asleep again..

As for me, I'm stuck in a rut trying to find things to wear.. I have about 2 outfits I alternate... I have never been one to enjoy working out but I know I need to, and I have the motivation now that I need to do it not for me, but for Ben... so hopefully one day sooner than later I can start wearing non-maternity clothes again!

Being a new mom is hard- I feel like some days all I manage to do is feed, change diapers, wash bottles, and do mini-loads of laundry. We have been peed on, pooped on and spewed on.... But I wouldnt trade it for the world. Ben has been such a blessing in our life and I can't hardly remember what it was like BEFORE he was here!